But chaos does exist in our everyday lives. I can admit in my deepest heart of hearts
that I can’t escape the turmoil, but surprisingly I live my life believing the
opposite is true. I pretend to have
control over the chaos by setting the alarm, writing my daily lists, knitting a
sweater my grandson will grow into; or in orchestrating the bigger plans,
selling the house, planning retirement in terms of decades, instead of
years. It is all a ploy so I can live according
to the belief that I will never be sick, I’ll live forever, be protected from
loss or tragedy, grow up with my grandchildren.
I won’t let myself consider the possibility, or probability, that a
sister, a mother, or a friend will ever disappear from my orbit, or that I
would not be allowed to trade places with a child or a spouse who is
suffering. Living inside of me is the
adolescent who trusts in the fantasy that I am indestructible, as are all whom
I cherish.
So when disorder strikes, when the most unimaginable loss happens,
what do we do? What can we do? We make lists, make the arrangements; we walk
through the moments, then the hours, then the days till completion. The shock stays with us, the pain stays with
us, the devastation stays with us; but wait, wait, there is so much more. Their experiences stay with us, their memories
stay with us, every single moment from their lifetime stays with us, the feeling of their arms around us stays with us, and yes,
their love stays with us. Astonishing, stunning,
undeniable, unrelenting, their love surely stays with us.
My dog Toby and I go out for a walk between nine and ten
o’clock each night. Our usual route is
out the back door and up to Broadway, then back down the drive towards the
river, before heading into my front door.
As we approach it, the Hudson reflects the Palisades and the vast night
sky, sprawled out ahead of us. We slow
down, then stop in our tracks, to take it all in. And as the ageless Big Dipper dips her spoon
into the Twenty-thousand-year-old Hudson River, she pulls me close and
reassures me that love really does last forever. Strong, endless and dazzling, love really
does last forever.
------------------------------------------------"I've never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. .... Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now." Sophia Loren
